LIFE BEGINS AGAIN IN AMERICA

It has now been one month since we arrived in the U.S. My last blog ended at the point we arrived at my brother’s house and were making plans to visit my son in Charleston. So here’s another blog on our personal life. I wanted to include some thoughts and observations on the larger cultural issues, but I decided not to since I would only have space for a few thoughts. I want to discuss those more fully. So this one is, again, personal. I will do a fuller discussion of those larger issues in the next blog entry.

Shortly after arriving in the U.S., Marina and I went down to visit my son in Charleston, S.C., as I mentioned in my last blog. In my opinion, Charleston qualifies as an interesting historic city. Technically, it was founded before St. Petersburg, Russia. It is not close to the size or international significance of Piter (as we call it), but it is impressive. My son informed me that he would be moving to Florida the next week. After his divorce he wants to start a new chapter in life. I regret he won’t be close to us, but I certainly understand. Nevertheless, we were able to spend a few days with him, and he showed us building complexes in the city which he had designed. He had obviously enjoyed his work in Charleston. We also met several folks at his work who made it clear that if things in Florida do not work out well he will be welcomed back to his old job with open arms. That was good to hear. 

My son drove us further down the coast to where my brother and his family own a place on Daufuskie Island. It is at the southernmost point of South Carolina on the Atlantic Ocean. My oldest son and his family joined us there. While we all missed Gabriel and Roman, who are still in Russia, and two of my granddaughters, it was great to be with both my American sons, three of my grandchildren, my brother, his wife and son, and Marina of course. 

We enjoyed wonderful meals there, as well as seeing the wildlife. Alligators were there every morning and evening swimming slowly on the pond in front of my brother’s house. My sister-in-law left out seeds and nuts in the small backyard space, and the squirrels, ducks and raccoons came to feast. Of course, there were various kinds of birds flying over the water. I was so glad Marina was able to see Carolina wildlife up close. The water in the ocean was still too cold for me to enjoy, but Marina loved it. That little girl has Russian blood in her. Cold does not bother her at all. I’m not sure how she’ll do in the South Carolina summer, however.  Nevertheless, the water in the nearby swimming pool was heated, and I enjoyed swimming around with her in the pool. 

We stayed over a week on the island. After we arrived back home I was able to purchase a used car. I used a company called Carmax, and I can say they were extremely helpful and put no pressure on me. Buying a used car can be traumatic, but, for those interested, I purchased a Mitsubishi Outlander with which I am completely satisfied. 

We returned to the “upstate” of South Carolina, and we had planned to stay with my brother until we located a house near the school Marina Grace will be attending. My nephew informed me, however, that he was planning to sell his house which is located in a nearby town. He was not going to put it up for sale for another two to three months, but he was going to go ahead and move out. So he let me rent the house for Marina and me to stay in until we find a house near the school. We are in a small town called Landrum and are within 5 minutes driving time of stores, restaurants, and even a small park. 

It is taking me a while to adjust to life back in the American south after living in Russia for so long. I have gotten confused as to how to get to places which were never a problem for me when we lived here. I have not driven a car in 8 years except for during the three week visit we made in 2018. In Russia I could order my taxi by phone from Yandex so easily. Now I have to think through the directions and allow sufficient time for travel–knowing I may have some difficulty finding the exact location. 

On the other hand, I’ve enjoyed some things about getting back. I like being able to communicate with people in stores if I have any questions or concerns. I never had a big problem in Russia, but some issues were hard for me to explain since I was not fully fluent. And in the southern part of the U.S. most store clerks are just more approachable and friendly. I’ll give a couple of examples.

We have gone to the “Dollar General” store here in this town several times. It is a big chain in the south. Actually it is all over the country, but it is widely known in the south as having whatever one needs. They have everything from food items, pet supplies, toys, and so much more. The employees also have a reputation of being what we call “down home,” i.e., friendly in a casual manner.  In one of our first visits after I paid the bill for our selected items, the cashier handed me my bags and smiled and said, “Y’all enjoy your day now.” She then looked at Marina and said, “I hope you have a good time today, sweetie. And I love your hair.” As we were walking back to the car Marina said, “Dad, they don’t talk to you like that in Russian stores! She was so friendly!” 

Then on our next trip I was checking out and my bill came to $38.01. I had cash, but when I looked at my change I had no penny. I apologized as I held out a quarter for her, but she said, “Oh don’t worry about it, Hon. I’ll take care of that penny.”  She called me “Hon,” which is pronounced, “Hun,” and is short for “Honey.” It’s an old tradition here for women to speak in such terms. She was not flirting with me. It felt good to be back where I am able to pick up on all the small cultural “signals.” Marina has decided she likes the friendly Southern style. 

There were a couple of experiences that really surprised me. The big surprise came when we returned to Liturgy at our OCA church. When we moved from here and even when we came back in 2018, the Orthodox folks here had purchased what had been an old Methodist church building and did their best to turn it into an Orthodox place of worship. The exterior of the building remained the same, but the altar was changed and the icons were put in place. It was a small building, but it easily accommodated the number of worshippers each Sunday. I would guess that on average there were maybe 100 folks in attendance. We got to know most everyone in the congregation fairly quickly. 

They were preparing to move into a new building a few weeks after we left back in 2018. It was at a completely different location, and I had not seen the building. I was quite surprised when Marina and I arrived on Sunday. The temple was quite large and very beautiful. It was a true Orthodox place of worship. There was a huge crowd of people–at least 3 times the number that had attended before. The Sunday before was Orthodox Pascha (aka Easter), and I was told they had well over 400 in attendance, and 38 people were baptized. 

Walking in was quite shocking, but fortunately as Marina and I walked down to light candles at the front, several of the “old” members spotted us. We were greeted quite warmly. After Liturgy the Orthodox gather for what Americans call “coffee hour,” and the Russians call “Trapeza,” which is the old Greek word for “table.” It’s not just coffee and refreshments. It is a meal. In the old building it was a room that had been apparently used for fellowship meals by the Methodists. At the new location it was a building specifically for that purpose. I jokingly told some of my old Baptist friends that they need to go talk to the folks at the Orthodox Church and find out how to reach more people. (Baptists are kind of sensitive about that, but they took my humor well.) 

The other surprise was when I met my best friend and former colleague at the university where I used to teach. We began teaching there at the same time. We taught together for 14 or 15 years, although we had been friends for years before that. When we started teaching at the school it was at a low point. There were about 350 students the year before we went. There was talk of closing the school. It was a “junior” college only offering the first two years of study. 

They brought in a new president and the two of us were part of a small team of new professors. The school began to grow rapidly. It quickly became a full four year college and then later became a university. Nevertheless, I was again shocked at what I saw when my friend began showing me around. There were many new buildings and clearly the student population was several times larger than when I left. Now they even offer Masters and Doctoral degrees. The academic standards had sunk during the low period before we came. But we were committed to getting that changed. I don’t remember the numbers, but he told me how many students had gone on to medical school and other graduate programs the year before. 

So I have enjoyed being here with my family and seeing all the positive things that have taken place. It has energized me to some degree. On the other hand, there is an empty side of life as well. When we lived here and came back to visit in 2018 there were 5 of us. Roman was still a teenager; Gabriel had not yet hit puberty; Marina was 20 months old when we moved. And, of course, I had my wife by my side. Now Roman is working in St. Petersburg and plans to get married in October, while Gabriel has decided to stay in Russia and start college this fall. And, of course, the cancer took Oksana from this life. 

Fortunately, as I have said, Marina is happier to be here. She needed to leave Luga. And I enjoy being with my daughter, and it is so great seeing my family members and, as I told them, saying goodbye is not sad since we won’t be leaving to cross the ocean. But obviously I miss our nuclear family being what it was. 

It has been very hard moving without a wife. I am not just talking about the help in getting things packed and unpacked. It is hard not having someone so close with whom I can discuss what is going on and what we are going through. I have appealed more than once to C.S. Lewis’ book, “A Grief Observed,” and the analogy he used of a man who had a leg amputated. At first the pain can be sharp and overwhelming when touched. Over time, there is healing. The sharp pain and the extreme sensitivity fades. He learns to get around much easier over time. Nevertheless, when he gets into a car or the bath, he remembers that he is an amputee. 

It has been well over two and a half years since Oksana departed this life. I don’t have those times of sharp, excruciating pain in my soul anymore. I have learned to move on and accept that I am a single father. Yet, the move has made the memory of her departure more difficult again. And, I am facing the reality that at my age and with my rather different circumstances, I probably will never have the joy and contentment of a life companion again. And I can honestly say–and I believe I speak for many others who have lost their spouse–it really isn’t so much about missing what she could do for me. I miss doing things for her. There is great emotional reward in caring for and doing things for the one you love. As someone else who had gone through the grief said to me, “Grief is love that has nowhere to go.” 

The comfort is that deep inside me I believe Marina and I are where we should be. I didn’t move here to run away from anything. I came here because I believed it was best for my daughter and believe it will be best for me as well. As I have stated more than once, I have no idea how long we will be here. In my next blog I will “switch gears” and talk about the larger cultural and international issues that I believe are destroying the United States. I will give my impression from “up close and personal”–not from across the ocean.